The Hard Way
by elfluvr
Summary: COMPLETE For a moment she nestled her ear against his chest, above his heart. He was sure she could hear every emotion he had buried there. Part of the series of Sexual Kinetics, Chanel No. 5 and Bounce.
1. Chapter 1

Title: **The Hard Way**

Author: elfluvr

Summary: She nestled her ear against his chest, above his heart. He was sure she could hear every emotion he had buried there. Part of the series of Bounce, Chanel No. 5 and Sexual Kinetics.

Disclaimer: Thanks Dick Wolf, René Balcer, Vincent D'Onofrio and Kathryn Erbe – it's been fun. I've hurt no one, made no money, and put everyone back where I found them.

Archive: Fanfiction - anywhere else, just ask

Feedback: Please! It's always welcome

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A/N – This is probably SO not Alex Eames, but too bad. My story … I get to push them around any way I want. And René, it wouldn't hurt for you to show a little of Alex Eames' sensitive, more personal side every once in a while … especially since VDO's portrayal of Bobby Goren has gone so flat this season. There – I've said it. Sue me. On with Chapter 1 of 3.

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Chapter 1 – **The Hard Way**

"It's this way, detectives."

The uniform cop led Detectives Goren and Eames deeper into the third floor SoHo apartment. _'They must have lowered the age requirements at the Academy,_' Goren speculated. The kid looked about nineteen. Or maybe it was just his view from the high side of forty.

As they approached the body sprawled on the bedroom floor, Goren took in the entire scene. Blood, bone and brain matter splattered against the far wall. Fit-looking guy, mid-forties at most, dressed only in boxer shorts. Only the victim's right profile was visible – the left side of his head lay in a pool of blood. His right hand still clutched the .44 caliber handgun that had apparently caused the rather large hole in his temple.

Crouching next to the body, Goren examined the stippling around the wound and thought it was consistent with a point-blank range gunshot. "What makes anyone think this isn't just a … a suicide?" he asked the young cop.

"Neighbors report hearing loud arguing just before the shot."

"Well … even with another person in the room he …" Goren reached out to grasp the victim's chin and turn his head, "could have been the one to pull the trigger." Once lifted out of the bloody pool, they could see that most of the left side of his face was missing.

"It wasn't suicide …" Eames spoke quietly from the doorway.

"What makes you …" Goren glanced up at his partner and the words froze in this throat. Eames looked as if all the blood had drained from her face – her eyes were dark and wide. He frowned. They'd seen bodies in much worse condition than this. She wasn't all that squeamish.

"He's left-handed," her voice was tight with emotion, strangled.

Goren's frown deepened. "Eames?"

She swayed a bit on her feet and for a moment he thought she was going to faint. "I know him," she breathed then turned and pushed her way past the uniforms to head out of the apartment.

Stunned, Goren debated what to do. He should stay and finish examining the victim and the scene, but he was worried about Eames – he'd never seen her like this. And if she really knew the guy ...

Standing and snapping off the latex gloves, he cautioned the young cop, "Don't let anyone in here and don't … touch anything," he waved his hand to indicate the entire room then headed out to find his partner.

She'd gone as far as the street outside the building and was frantically pacing the sidewalk.

"Eames," Goren called out to her. She spared him no more than a quick glance, but in that moment he saw her eyes were wild and glittering. Breathing as if she'd just run a mile, she was convulsively clenching and unclenching her fists. Eames couldn't stand still.

"Bobby, I …" she struggled for air.

"You know him." He had to get her mind focused on the facts. If she could do that – put aside the emotion – she might calm down.

"Yes! We … dated," her speech was punctuated by short breaths.

"When?"

"It's been … almost a year." Five steps, turn, repeat.

"You didn't recognize the address," he found himself stepping from side to side, trying to hold her attention. "You … you've never been to his place before?" _Come on Eames, you can do this._

"I .. yes …" she gasped. "This isn't … where he lived." Eames was getting more agitated instead of less, on the verge of hyperventilating. The push of adrenaline she'd experienced hadn't let go yet. "Bobby, I can't … stop shaking."

She was going to break, and he wasn't about to let anyone witness it. "Come on," he gripped her elbow and led her to a grocer's alley between the two buildings.

"What's … wrong with me?" she choked back a sob, fighting for control. "I can't stop …"

"I-it's a … panic reaction, caused by adrenaline." He took his jacket off and stepped close to her so he could drape it around her shoulders. As he pulled the lapels tight in front of her, the floodgates broke and Alex started sobbing uncontrollably. Bobby wrapped his arms around her and cradled her against his body. Rubbing her back to soothe her, he crooned comforting words … nothing more than 'It'll be all right,' and 'You're okay,' but it was all he had to offer.

Warm in his arms with her face buried against his chest, Bobby felt guilty for enjoying the contact.

It didn't take long for her trembling to subside and her sobs to turn into hiccups. Alex took a deep, shaky breath and for a moment she nestled her ear against his chest, above his heart. He was sure she could hear every emotion he had buried there. Resting his chin on the top of her head, he stole secret breaths of the scent he'd come to love.

Too soon he felt her pulling away. Alex brought her hands up to her cheeks to wipe away the tears that hadn't made it to his shirt. "I'm so embarrassed," she whispered.

Bobby laid his hand along her jaw and tipped her face up so she would meet his eyes. "You have no reason to be embarrassed," he said quietly. Her eyes welled up again at his gentle words and Bobby was about to pull her back into his arms …

"Detectives?" the young cop called into the alley.

Alex jerked from his touch and quickly stepped away from him.

"The photographers want to know if you still need them …?" the cop asked hesitantly.

"Tell them they don't leave 'till I say so!" Goren snapped. The poor kid visibly jumped before hightailing it out of the alley. "All the time we've ever wasted waiting for them …" Goren grumbled.

Alex started laughing.

He spun around to face her, worried that she was now getting hysterical.

"Did you see him jump?" she gasped with laughter and again wiped tears from her face. Maybe she was on the edge of hysteria, but not out of control.

Bobby smiled at her. He couldn't help it – he found her laugh contagious.

But as her laughter slowly died, his smile went with it. Alex closed her eyes and brought the back of her hand up to her forehead, her fingers still trembling.

"Eames," Goren dipped his head to try and catch her eye. "We'll talk more about this … back at the squad." He wanted to give her time to recover. "For now, why don't you … question the landlord. And see if you can find out anything from the … those neighbors who heard the argument. I'll get the kid to take notes."

Finally meeting his eye, he saw a bit of her usual resolve and stubbornness. She gave him a wan smile. "He's in for a fun time."

_TBC …_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 – **The Hard Way**

"Goren! My office. Now."

He hadn't even made it to his desk before Deakins issued his order. _Damn_. _He must have been waiting for us. _ Eames started to trail after him when Deakins barked out, "Just him." Goren exchanged a questioning glance with his partner before heading into the Captain's office and closing the door behind him.

"What the hell happened out there today?"

"Wh-what do you mean?" Goren wasn't about to give away anything he didn't have to.

"I mean, Detective … I'm hearing reports that you and Eames were caught in an alleyway … kissing."

"WHA-!" The thrill of unease that ran through him left Goren dumbfounded for a moment. "We were not kissing!"

"But you _were_ in an alleyway … when you should have been at a crime scene."

Stalling for time, he ran his hand through his hair, turned away from Deakins and paced a couple of steps. _Shit! _How much could he say to satisfy the Captain without further embarrassing Eames.

He shoved his hands in his pockets and faced Deakins. "She knows the victim."

"What?"

"We got in there … Eames recognized him…" he tried his best to sound earnest. "I just wanted to … question her … away from everyone else."

"How does she know him?" Deakins eased himself into the chair behind his desk, notably calmer than moments earlier. Goren always suspected he had a soft spot for Eames.

"They dated." He wandered over to the windows in the office, just to do a quick check on his partner.

"Recently?"

"It ended about a year ago." _Something you're reading on your laptop has your attention. You're leaning forward in the chair and chewing the end of your pen in that way you have when you're really studying something._

"Does she know anything about what might have happened?"

_There's that errant piece of hair again, the one you always have to tuck behind your ear. Someday I'll have to do that for you, just to see the look on your face._ "I don't think so," Goren answered absently.

"You don't _think_ so? I thought you said you questioned her," Deakins' voice was rising again.

_SHIT!_ "I-I will," Goren turned back to the Captain. "She just … it didn't seem like the right time."

"Dammit Goren!" Deakins shot back up out of his chair and came around his desk to stand in front of him. He may be shorter than Bobby, but he sure as hell could be just as intimidating. "Look… if there's something I need to know, tell me now. I want to be prepared if I get called into a conversation with the Chief of D's."

"There's nothing to tell."

Deakins still looked skeptical. "Nothing but work between the two of you?"

Goren rubbed the back of his neck. _Why the hell was Deakins pushing so hard on this?_ "What do you want me to say? That she's just another part of the job? Like my badge or … or my gun?"

"It would make my life a lot easier."

Squaring his shoulders, Goren decided he needed to cut this short. "Look, she knew the guy, we needed to talk … that's all that happened."

They stood there in a stare-down game of chicken – each waiting to see who would blink first. Deakins studied him for any sign of falsehood. Goren wore his best poker face, hoping it was good enough.

"Alright. We're done here." Score one for the detective.

Goren's hand was on the doorknob when Deakins stopped him. "Bobby." He looked over his shoulder at the Captain. "Just let me know if I ever need to have that discussion with the Chief."

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He was being a selfish bastard and he knew it. But he just couldn't face her right now – couldn't sit across the desks from her and pretend everything was normal, because it wasn't. So he'd left the building to walk it off.

Eames suspected his feelings and he had only himself to blame for that. He'd been reckless and now he was paying the price. Since the moment he realized that he'd played with fire one too many times, Bobby had been retreating – trying to decide how he could fix this mess.

What were the odds that the one person who turned out to be a perfect partner for him would also turn out to be the one woman he wanted to love. Two areas of his life that, by necessity, had to be mutually exclusive. It was all such a crapshoot anyway – why'd he have to get lucky twice on the same roll?

She wasn't helping at all, coming in to work looking and smelling and smiling like … well, like she always did. And that was the problem.

Add to that the fact that Deakins was now suspicious, and some young punk cop thought he saw something he didn't, but might have …

His cell phone rang and Bobby inwardly groaned. He was certain it was her demanding to know what the hell was wrong with him. But when he flipped it open, it was a text message and the number displayed was the M.E.'s, not his partner's. Initial autopsy results were in. Bobby headed back to One PP.

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He was being a selfish bastard. Exiting Deakins' office, he'd barely muttered a, 'Be back,' before making a beeline for the elevators – leaving Alex here to wonder what the hell was wrong with him. She was tempted to call him, but wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

The impromptu meeting must have been about her highly unprofessional, totally embarrassing behavior. Why else would Deakins want to meet with Bobby without her? He could have at least stopped by her desk to fill her in. _Selfish bastard._

Except this selfish bastard had made sure that no one saw her at a time of weakness. He'd held her in his arms when her body and emotions were out of control. He'd smoothed her back with his hands and murmured words of comfort in her hair. He'd smelled and felt so good …

"Eames."

_Guess it's my turn with the captain_.

She cautiously entered Deakins' office and closed the door behind her.

"Captain, I'm sorry about this morning …" she tried to head off any tirade that may be coming her way.

"Don't worry about it … Goren already explained."

Eames blinked. _It can't really be this easy, can it?_ "No, I … I know Mark – the victim – and it was just such a shock. Bobby was … worried about me so he left the scene to follow me and then pulled me into the alley so no one else would see how I … what was happening to me …" Eames knew she was rambling and over-explaining, but couldn't seem to stop.

"Look," Deakins held up his hand. "Whatever happened, I don't think I want to know about it. That's not why I called you in here … have a seat."

_This sounds official._ Eames warily sat in a chair facing him across the desk.

"You knew the victim … Mark Foster," he said gently. She nodded. "Detective, I have to ask … did you …? How … close was your relationship?"

Alex shot some indignation into her spine, sensing where this might be going. "If you're asking if I slept with him, the answer is yes."

"Maybe I should pull you off this one … put Logan or Barek on it with Goren."

"No!" She got up out of her chair so she could look down at Deakins – a minor power play. "Look, it was over a year ago and short-lived …" she stopped as a thought occurred to her. She placed her hands flat on his desk and leaned over. "Did Bobby ask for this?"

"Are you kidding? As far as he's concerned, you're the only person he could partner with," Deakins actually looked amused. "You've ruined him."

Choosing to ignore his comment, Alex straightened. "I can do this, Captain."

He studied her, seeming to evaluate her resolve. "Alright. But if you change your mind, just say the word."

The phone on his desk rang. "Deakins," he paused, listening to the caller. "Okay, thanks." He hung up the phone and looked at Alex. "M.E.s office. Initial autopsy's done."

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"Toxicology showed a combination of alcohol and cocaine," Elizabeth Rodgers led Goren toward the examining table. Eames hung back a little more than usual, and he glanced at her over his shoulder.

"The, uh, cocaine … can you tell if he was just an occasional partier?"

"Based on the condition of his nasal membranes, I'd say no – frequent, long-time user," Rodgers sounded certain.

_Great. Eames sure could pick them sometimes._

"There were traces of lip gloss on his mouth, neck and genitals."

"So, he was with a woman shortly before he was killed," Goren bent over to re-examine the entry wound.

"That's narrow-minded of you, Detective. Not like you at all," Rodgers smirked at him. "The examination also showed evidence of a history of anal sex, although no semen was present."

Turning away to make some notes in her file, Rodgers missed the look exchanged between the detectives.

"You didn't know?" Goren asked softly. Alex shook her head.

"We found saliva along with the lip gloss … we're testing for DNA. That will tell us if he was with a man or a woman."

"Any, uh … evidence of … sexually transmitted diseases?" Goren had to ask, just in case. For Alex's sake.

Rodgers shook her head. "No … negative for any STDs, including HIV and AIDS." If she wondered why he would ask, Rodgers gave no indication. By this time, she was probably used to Goren's obscure questions.

_TBC …_


	3. Chapter 3

A/N - In the dice game craps, to win the "hard way" requires exquisite execution and a lot of luck. This is when you bet the dice will display a certain way. Say you bet 8 the hard way. The dice must come out 4 and 4. If they come out as a 5 and 3 or a 6 and 2, you lose.

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Chapter 3 – **The Hard Way**

"Eames. I … I'm sorry if any of that was awkward or … or embarrassing for you."

"Bobby, it's okay. I admit, it was a shock to see him like that … this morning. But really, we only dated for a few months and it was never anything too serious. I just …" Eames shook her head. "I can't believe I didn't see any of this about him. Some detective, huh?"

"He was … leading a dual life. He would have become very good at … at hiding it."

Goren was about to push the button for the elevator up to the eleventh floor of One PP when he came up with a better idea. "Are you hungry? Neither of us had lunch and it's …" he checked his watch "it's after 6:00. Why don't we walk to that diner on the other side of Roosevelt Park … my treat."

"If you're buying, I'm eating," she grinned.

They walked up Centre Street to Hester, cut over to Chrystie and entered the park from Delancey. It had been a warm autumn day, but a chill was setting in this evening, forewarning of the colder days to come. Lost in their own thoughts, twilight was turning to dusk before either of them spoke.

"The Captain talked to me after you left," Eames broke the silence.

"And?"

"Whatever you said to him while you were in there, he was calmed down by the time he got to me."

Goren had hoped his explanation would be enough and Deakins wouldn't tell Eames about the rumors – he should have figured it was too much to ask. "Well, i-it wasn't true and … I just told him that."

"What wasn't true?"

"What he heard."

"What did he hear?"

_Shitshitshit!_ "He … he didn't ask you about that."

"All he asked me about was my relationship with Mark," Eames eyed him suspiciously. "What are _you_ talking about?"

"Aghhh …" Today seemed to be his day for blunders. "You remember the young kid cop?" Eames nodded. "Well … he … apparently told someone that he … he saw us, uh … kissing."

Eames gasped and stopped dead in her tracks. "What!"

"See? That's exactly what I said," Goren pointed to her and tried to joke.

"I hope you told Deakins …"

"Of course I did!" he cut her off. They stood there looking at each other until, finally, the humor of the whole situation hit them and they both grinned. "Wouldn't you have loved to … to see Deakins' reaction … when he heard that?"

"Ha! I'd be surprised if whoever told him doesn't have singed hair and a blown out eardrum."

Bobby chuckled. It was good to see Eames back to normal.

In unison they started back on their path to the diner. Despite the cooler air, neither seemed to be in a big hurry.

"Thank you," Alex said softy.

"Um … for what? I haven't even bought dinner yet."

"Do you know that all you've done all day is look out for me?" she asked. "First at Mark's apartment. Then trying to shield me from the captain … and the rumors. Even with Rodgers … asking …" Alex stopped and looked at him. "I know that was for my benefit."

"You'd do the same for me," Bobby shrugged it off. "Besides, don't … thank me for something that ... comes naturally."

His comment made her self-conscious and Alex shifted her gaze to a point past his shoulder. A gentle night breeze stirred and handed Bobby the opportunity to finally give in to his impulse to sweep her hair behind her ear. Her eyes widened in surprise and her own hand paused in mid-air. His fingers lingered at her jaw, so tempted to trail along the column of her throat, over the sensitive line of her collar bone and down the vee of soft skin exposed by open buttons. Before he had a chance to resist temptation and pull away, Alex placed her hand on the back of his and leaned her cheek into his touch.

Ignoring a warning against such intimacy, Bobby's thumb caressed the soft curve. As he watched, unable and unwilling to move, Alex closed her eyes and turned her head to kiss the center of his palm.

An innocent kiss, but the tremble of desire that ran through his body was as electric as any he'd ever experienced. For the rest of his life, he would swear his palm had actually burned where she'd pressed her lips.

Alex's eyes met his … so full of doubt and uncertainty … questioning what she'd just done. He had to reassure her.

With the hand she'd just branded, Bobby traced a path along her jaw and lifted her chin. _Ah, hell!_ He couldn't fight this anymore, not with the warmth of her touch still tingling in his palm. With a sigh of resignation, he bowed his head toward hers then hesitated. Poised inches from her lips he searched her eyes for any sign of rejection. Alex answered by closing the gap between them and gifting him with a soft, slow kiss.

Nothing and yet everything like he'd ever imagined, Alex gave herself to him with her kiss. Her lips yielded beneath his and nothing mattered but the taste of her. His hand tangled in her hair while his other arm slid around her waist.

His whole life and the world around him fractured and disappeared until there was nothing but kissing Alex … her sweet, warm mouth accepting his. He teased her lips and she opened to him – their tongues sliding against each other with the need to taste and to know. Cradling her head, Bobby angled his mouth over hers, sealing their lips more tightly and delving his tongue more deeply into the warm recess of her mouth. Alex moaned and the sweet vibration slid down his throat to his groin. Bobby tightened his arm around her waist pulling her closer, but not close enough – it could never be close enough. He felt her heat at the top of his thigh and knew she could feel his arousal pressing into her. He needed her against him. He needed her around him. He needed her … _as my partner._

Bobby groaned and desperately tried to push away all thought of reality. Kissing Alex harder, he welcomed the bite of her teeth against his lips and the pull of her sucking his tongue. She wrapped her arms more tightly around his neck and molded herself to his body – moving beneath him in her need for friction. _Ah yes, Alex! This is how every fantasy of you begins. _In his mind Bobby begged whatever gods may be listening to let this be right.

But it wasn't right. It couldn't … be … right. _Partners. _Their lives – her life – could one day depend on those boundaries.

Even as every part of him screamed in protest, Bobby loosened his hold and softened the kiss, withdrawing. Alex whimpered and clung to him in her attempt not to lose what they'd just found.

"Oh god, Alex" he murmured against her lips. He pulled away then dipped back for one more soft taste of all he'd ever wanted.

He rested his forehead against hers, not daring to open his eyes for fear of reality rushing in. Once you've held your life's dream for even a moment, what was there to go back to? "Alex …" he groaned.

She sobbed his name and buried her face against his neck.

Bobby held her as their breaths slowed and their hearts stopped pounding. He swallowed thickly. "We can't do this."

Alex tipped her head to kiss beneath his jaw. "I know," she whispered against his skin.

His heart clenched at her words. _She agreed_. A part of him had wanted her to argue against him – give him a reason to go back to kissing her. "We can be partners or we can be lovers … but we can't be both," he said to convince himself as much as her.

"I know," her voice broke.

Pulling away from her, Bobby wrapped his arms loosely around her waist. Alex's hands slid from his shoulders to his chest. She couldn't meet his eye. Instead, her fingers toyed with the buttons on his shirt. _Oh, if only …_

"Aren't you even going to try to... to talk me out of this?" he lamely joked. Bobby had to lighten the mood or go insane.

She looked up at him with moist eyes and a shaky smile. "Are you saying you're ready for a new partner?"

"Me? I-I've never had it so good," he tried on a smile for her benefit. "You?"

"I don't even want to think about it." She fisted his shirt and buried her face on his chest. Bobby bent to kiss the top of her head.

"This is going to be so hard," she whispered. "Maybe I should tell the captain to pull me off this case, like he offered – give us some space."

He rubbed his chin against her hair, savoring some of the last moments he would ever be this close to her. If he were lucky, he would never again have to smell her. Never again be tempted to bury his face against her neck to breathe in her scent. "I have some vacation time coming to me. As soon as this case is over, I'll … I'll tell Deakins I need a week off."

"Do you think a week will help?" she looked up at him.

"A year wouldn't help. But as you said, it will … give us some distance. Maybe help us … sort things out."

"What happens after the week?" she asked softly.

"After …" He really couldn't imagine what it would be like after. "We get up in the mornings, go to work … sit across the desks from each other and … and do our jobs."

Sorrow. Bobby never knew it to be a tangible thing. The night air reeked of it. The city noises reverberated and echoed it around them. The bitterness in his mouth tasted of loss.

There was nothing more to be said. Alex's eyes filled with tears. "Bobby … I can't let go and walk away."

_God, Alex. Do you know what you're asking of me?_ You're asking me to be the one to let go – to walk away from tonight and all it might have promised.

_Do it for her, Goren._

Snaking his fingers into her hair, he pulled her forehead to his lips and kissed her – hard and quick. Without a glance, he walked past her and headed out of the park. _Don't look back … DON'T look back …_

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Eames confessed to a weakness she didn't have and asked the Captain to remove her from the case. Goren took his week off and when he came back they pretended that night never happened. They pretended that everything was normal.

Except it wasn't and never would be.

He avoided Roosevelt Park and hadn't been back to the diner that was their destination that evening. Given time, Bobby may get used to this ache beneath his heart, but each day when he wakes – trying to cling to sleep and his dreams – it reminds him that he and Eames are gambling on playing it the hard way. So far, they've been lucky …

_End_


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